Asking this question again – I have exhausted all my treatment options for bipolar disorder – have honestly tried over 2 dozen meds, alone and in combinations, and ECT (electroshock) and they have all failed or made me worse or I am allergic to the meds etc. ( this is over a period of 15 years – not short term med trials). I have severe depression in the morning nearly every day, and for the entire day about half the time and I just can’t take it anymore – my situation clearly became hopeless when my last ditch effort, ECT, failed. I rarely get mania anymore, just horrific agitated depression, the anguish so severe I literally want to claw my face off or slash my chest open with a knife, for hours most days, and often, all day. If I still had fingernails, I would have clawed my face off a long time ago. I don’t know what to do anymore – I have been on the edge of death for years. I have hung on and hung on, trying medication after medication, and now there is (realistically, this is not the depression talking) no hope of any significant relief.
So, since medication options aren’t there anymore, I am wondering if ACT (assertive community treatment) can help with this? My county workers have not run into psychiatric cases like mine, they swear up and down that most patients do get at least some relief from meds, but I am in a tiny, rural county, and am hoping that someone here has gone thru this, or has a relative who has, and can give me some advice. I’m thinking about going inpatient at mayo clinic, but I already tried the university of MN and that was a total failure, and my regular psychiatrist thought the university was better for psychiatry than mayo clinic. It would be hard for me to get to mayo clinic anyway, it is a 4 hour drive, and I can’t find any treatment online I haven’t already tried either, other than “out there” treatments that are very unlikely to help and experimental, like vagus nerve stimulation – weird crap.
Anyhow, I have had the finest psychiatric care there is, and it has utterly failed, I lost my faith in God a few years back, just have nothing left for me except a loving husband, 4 great kitties, and a home I love in rural Minnesota with beautiful maple trees and a lovely pond full of wood ducks and chirping frogs in the backyard, in other words, I have a LOT to live for. But I need to die, because I can’t stand the anguish anymore. It is unspeakable pain, and I feel this way for NO REASON, just endlessly live in agony, due to untreatable bipolar disorder. What can I do to live when I hurt so much, with no relief in sight?
background: I don’t have any personality disorders, already see a therapist regularly, have a social worker and a home worker, see a psychiatrist regularly, am not a substance abuser, excercise a lot, have an excellent diet (we have a huge garden and eat a lot of venison), use a light box, keep busy with hobbies, according to my varying energy level – all that healthy stuff. This is just ghastly, severe bipolar disorder that is ( apparently) untreatable. I do also have a severe sexual abuse history, which I have gotten plenty of therapy for. My workers know I have serious problems, but I play them down slightly, since I do not want to be involuntarily committed – it is hard to get help when you have severe mental illness, believe me. An involuntary commitment would not help me – what i need is a medication that would cut down the despair, and apparently, it doesn’t exist – otherwise, if it worked, I would take it. Please no religion stuff – my husband prays for me all the time, but that isn’t going to make me suddenly find my faith again – a person can’t “make” themselves believe. Great for you that your faith helped you, and I sincerely mean that, but it didn’t help me, tried that already. The question is, is there a way to endure daily agony from bipolar depression that is unending, and I will never get relief for it? Anyone been there, endlessly, and still alive? or have a relative like this? I mean, this is EVERY DAY, except for in May and June, pretty much (strong seasonal pattern, there). Thanks for anything that might help!
lamictal was worthless, antidepressants made me worse, so I have been off them for a long time, and I use a light box a lot in the winter, and took a vitamin D supplement, too – all that standard stuff has been tried, and some helps a bit, but only maybe 10%. Not enough to make life bearable.
oh, and I forgot, lithium only helped me with mania, which I very rarely get anymore, so it’s not worth taking it anymore, and I ended up with weirdo, scary side effects after a few years of lithium.
Filed Under: Chronic Depression Treatment
About the Author: